dreams

i woke up crying just now. i dreamed that my friend's dad passed away and that we were all on this huge boat and there were crazy flowers - i remember thinking some were chrysanthemum's and tin was there, too, and it seemed like we were having fun - he was giving me a piggy back ride and stuff. then i remember seeing Mr. Brooks looking really solemn and i went to shake his hand and to give him a hug, and then i remember turning away because i thought back to when i first sorta met my friends dad and realized how dramatic his impact was on me. wo him, i wouldnt have met those 2, who have changed my life. i turned away immediately and starting crying. i thought about how he called me "champion" all the time and treated me well. when i woke up i was still crying. how sad, how very sad for many reasons. *sigh*

i've been way exhausted lately. i feel like i haven't gotten a break - in between classes i keep trying to catch a nap in someone's room and i keep going from activity to another. on a brighter note, i finally got a new phone battery and was able to talk to ava for an hour without it dying. :)

so my post-graduation plans are probably going to entail going back home and working at the restaurant. i'm really excited for many reasons, most of all, seeing my parents. as much as i want to take up extracurriculars and do things and as much as they want me to do well in school and beyond, there's no doubt that we have to see each other in order for either of us to be happy. it's been too long since i've seen my parents for an extended period of time...not only them but my brothers too. brian i-med me today and told me i have to make time for him. he told me we had to travel together and that i've been leaving him. (i just started crying again - i'm really emotional especially listening to this cirque du soleil music). GOSH, i feel like such a bad family member. all i've been doing is taking and taking - i feel selfish. i really want to give back. i wnt to be rich for my family so that they can have everything they ever wanted. gosh. AHHHHHHHHHHH